My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.