When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
You Might Also Like
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.