Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
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Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.