The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
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Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
We’re all getting idioter.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?