If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
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[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?