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I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
incredible
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way