DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
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Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.