This is funnier than it should be. 😂
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.