Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
You Might Also Like
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
new shirt idea
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
crying
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁