Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
You Might Also Like
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
How do German people not choke to death when they talk