Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
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She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Siri, fight Alexa.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.