I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
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*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
The only equipped I am is ill.
Bring back the McRib
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.