Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
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kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Monday
Check out the legs on this baby
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.