wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.