At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
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People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I feel seen.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
When I laugh on my period