If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
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*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.