You Might Also Like
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
this is funnier than any friends episode
oh u like geography? name every lake
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
But that’s none of my business
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE