This is my emotional support chloroform rag
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This is a whole mood;
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.