THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
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I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?