i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
You Might Also Like
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
pictures of spider-man
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣