I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
sry
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.