Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
secret recipe
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]