I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
You Might Also Like
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.