A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard