Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
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When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure