Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.