Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
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It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
The fall of Netflix
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas