In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
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Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
found my next D&D character name
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.