[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
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I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
all bases covered
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.