The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that