brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
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Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Ugh but profoundly
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time