Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though