Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
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[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.