If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter