I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
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Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
are there any atheist mantises?
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys