When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
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My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
This might be me.
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I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.