Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
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Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.