me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
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Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks