The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
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[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.