gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
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The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Potatoes were such a good idea
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.