At least try to make it slightly believable
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When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s