What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
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I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee