REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.