I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”