Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
philosophical skeletons be like
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?