[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
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Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Jail
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress