“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
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What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999