Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
You Might Also Like
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
only 11 steps left
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year