Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
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Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Nice try, poison.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired