I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
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8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.